Goodbye Dad…

 

“Zain why my heart beat is going up”?

Everything is fine, don’t worry , you are getting better. 
Doctors asked me to run to the pharmacy and fetch medicines. I did , only to come back and find him lying still, motionless , doctors carrying out CPR. 
Within 10 minutes I lost my dad
A smile decorating his beautiful face. He passed away peacefully. I am sad because his last living moments were surrounded by tubes and an oxygen mask. When I try recalling his smile, I see him lying there content that he played his part and provided for us in all possible ways. 
Losing a parent is an event hard to fathom. It was shocking and heartbreaking. I think of my father every minute but my grief keeps changing shape. At times it causes intense pain, there are moments when I sit and think about banter we shared and giggled. His laughter was contagious. There are times when I recall the way he devoured desi food and chai. I would ask him why no burgers or pasta and he would say “beta this is the real food” 
He was a vicious workaholic. Would live off assignments, traveling and keeping us happy. Never once said no to anything that I demanded. I called him my daddy bank and he would jokingly call me a spoiled brat. 
I never saw him angry or upset , people at his work can vouch for his positivity and vibrancy. He was animated and optimistic. 
The whole process of preparing the hospital bag, rushing with him to the emergency when he complained of chest pain and seeing him stabilise only to leave us suddenly causes heartache and grief. He never had a dull moment in his life. Coming from a really humble background , he knew that survival is all about struggle. He struggled but left us quickly with a house full of people coming for condolences. 
Do I need sympathy ? No . Do I need them to tell me what a great man he was ? No. I only need some silence so I can mourn him alone. I don’t want people to tell me what a massive loss I’ve suffered. I know , I’m never getting him back , but I want to preserve his last moments in my
Mind. 
I know he is happy up there. I just know ~ 

 

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~ by zainrezashah on April 7, 2015.

One Response to “Goodbye Dad…”

  1. thinking of you so very much

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